Why ‘Cry It Out’ Wasn’t for Me…
When you first become a parent, or even for the second or third time, sleep training is something you are constantly asked about. At parent and baby groups you are asked “how are they sleeping?”, “have you tried sleep training yet?” and my personal favourite: “are they a good baby?”. That last one particularly irritated me, I always wanted to respond with: “no she’s terrible, evil in fact, I think she may be planning my demise.”
When it comes to sleep, every child is unique and what works for one family might not work for another, it’s crucial to make informed decisions. One method that I have been asked about in every consultation is the ‘Cry It Out’ (CIO) approach. Though popular and effective for some, it wasn’t the method for me, and it isn’t one I recommend to my clients. To be clear, this isn’t a judgement of parents who choose to do it, it’s more my perspective of why I didn’t and what I did instead.
As a parent, hearing my child cry tugs at something deep within. It’s an instinctive response to want to comfort, nurture, and protect. While proponents of CIO suggest that babies will eventually self-soothe, I found the idea emotionally challenging. I tried it one nap time when my daughter was 6 months old (we had only ever contact napped or used the pram/carrier for naps and I wanted to introduce cot naps) and every tear felt like a call for help. Standing back went against my intuition. So I gave up immediately.
What happens when babies cry?
Research has shown that prolonged crying can lead to an increase in the stress hormone cortisol in the baby’s brain. While stress is a natural part of life and can even be beneficial in small doses, the potential long-term effects on a developing brain made me cautious. At 6 months I really wanted my daughter to start having one nap a day in her cot, but I didn’t want it to be a stressful process for either of us.
Instead I focused on gently building up the idea of the cot for nap-time by introducing positive sleep associations like gentle music (she was a big fan of Evermore by Taylor Swift, drifted off in minutes), keeping the room dark and patting her gently in the cot so she knew I was close by. One of my primary aims was to help my child develop healthy sleep associations. With CIO, there’s a risk that the child might associate bedtime with feelings of abandonment or stress, rather than relaxation and safety. One mum I spoke to recently said, three days into the CIO method, her 5 month old started to become really distressed during the bedtime routine because he knew he was going to be left soon. He’d cried for over an hour the past two nights before falling asleep. She didn’t know there were other ways to get her baby to sleep and couldn’t believe it when I said there were so many alternatives we could try.
The Alternatives That Resonated
Having decided that CIO wasn’t my cup of tea, I embarked on researching other methods and found several that aligned more closely with my parenting philosophy. These methods include layering healthy sleep associations, as I mentioned above, and gradually reducing my presence during the settling process whilst going at a pace that suited me and the temperament of my baby. Yes, these methods can be slower than CIO, but they are more likely to have a sustained effect.
Also, I want you to know that supporting your baby to sleep is completely fine, too. You are not failing as a parent if you are unable to pop your baby or toddler in their cot and walk out the door. I support my 2.5 year old daughter to sleep by rocking her until she is calm, placing her in the cot and stroking her back until she falls asleep. I am happy to do this because it brings us both joy at bedtime and she goes to sleep content which means she sleeps better at night. I would only want to change it if it became a problem, e.g. it started taking forever and seemed to be prolonging the process of her falling asleep. I often hear from parents who feed their babies or toddlers to sleep and ask if that’s a problem? It’s only a problem if you don’t want to do it anymore. If you are happy to do it then keep going — it’s a wonderful way for them to fall asleep.
Final Thoughts
Every family, every parent, and every baby is different. What didn’t sit right with me might be a lifesaver for another family, and that’s okay. The key is to be informed, trust your instincts, and choose a method that aligns with your family’s values and circumstances. After all, at the heart of all these methods is the same goal: more sleep for everyone!
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