How to deal with parental preference at bedtime
Does your baby or toddler get really upset at bedtime if they don’t have the parent they want there?
Parental preference can be really hard for families to deal with. Let’s explore why.
If your baby or toddler gets really upset at bedtime because they only want one particular parent (read: usually mummy) to do it or if they scream the house down when they wake in the night and it’s not that same parent that responds, it’s likely they have parental preference. This is completely normal and very common behaviour. Does that mean it’s easy to deal with? No.
Having a preferred parent can pose challenges for families seeking to establish a more balanced approach to caregiving. In this post, we'll explore what it means to be the preferred parent, why it's often the mother, and strategies for managing and changing this dynamic.
Understanding the Dynamics of Being the Preferred Parent:
Being the preferred parent doesn't mean that one parent loves their child more than the other. Instead, it often reflects the child's attachment patterns and developmental stage. Factors such as breastfeeding, maternal scent familiarity, and bonding during maternity leave can contribute to the mother becoming the primary caregiver, particularly during bedtime and nighttime routines. Attachment theory underscores the importance of nurturing and responsive caregiving in shaping the parent-child relationship. It is really a positive thing that your baby is so attached to you - but it can lead to preferences during certain routines which, over time, can cause issues if you feel it’s becoming too much.
Challenges Faced by Families with a Preferred Parent Dynamic:
While being the preferred parent can be affirming and comforting, it can also present challenges for families. The burden of nighttime parenting responsibilities may fall disproportionately on the preferred parent, leading to exhaustion, strain on the parent-child relationship, and feelings of exclusion and resentment for the other parent. Additionally, the preferred parent may struggle to find opportunities for self-care and personal time, further exacerbating the imbalance in caregiving roles.
Strategies for Managing and Changing the Preferred Parent Dynamic:
Acknowledging the preferred parent dynamic is the first step toward implementing positive changes. Open communication between parents about their roles and responsibilities is essential. Encouraging the non-preferred parent to engage in caregiving tasks during the day will allow your child to get used to them responding instead of their preferred parent.
Gradually introduce joint bedtime routines and nighttime parenting responsibilities, allowing the non-preferred parent to take on a more active role over time. Be patient and supportive as your child adjusts to the new dynamic, offering reassurance and comfort during the transition period. Try to make it an exciting thing for them too: “why don’t we show daddy your favourite book to read at bedtime and you can show him your favourite bits?”.
It is really important to discuss how you will manage the likely meltdowns from your child during these changes. If you know they are going to get really upset, the parent who will be dealing with it should be prepared to let their child cry and support them through it. It is okay for your child to cry and be upset about the changes and it’s your job to give them space to have those emotions and then gently redirect. An example of this would be: it’s bedtime and your toddler is crying because they want mummy to do bedtime and not daddy. Daddy offers physical affection and verbal reassurance that’s it’s okay to be upset, you are there for them and you are really excited to do bedtime and when they begin to calm down ask them to help you choose a book.
Benefits of Shared Parenting Responsibilities:
Embracing a more balanced approach to bedtime and nighttime parenting offers numerous benefits for both parents and children. Shared caregiving responsibilities promote stronger parent-child bonds, encourage cooperation between partners, and provide opportunities for the preferred parent to have a well deserved break.
In our house we take it in turns to do bedtime. Phoebe does ask every night if it’s “mummy’s turn” and when it isn’t we gently and firmly hold the boundary. I don’t give in just because she wants me to do it. We tell her that we take it in turns because we both enjoy doing bedtime and get to have special time with her. Sometimes there are tears but we help support her through it and keep that boundary there. Personally, this works for us because it means if one of us isn’t around (you know when we occasionally have a social life or one of us is working) then it doesn’t pose an issue. I’m not going to get a call at 10pm to say she’s refusing to go to bed. It also means that, on the nights when it isn’t my turn, I can have 45 minutes to myself in peace.
If you need some help with this I offer a one off Confidence Call that comes with a Basic Sleep Plan - find out more here.
